Tired

Katie woke me at four, consequence I'm knackered. Good cricket day, sleep beckons. Bye, bye, Robin Cook. Pop eyed but principled.

Up the Junction

Helen arrives and we feed her on a mix of cous cous, garlic bread and marinaded chicken and mushroom kebabs. Lonen and Cal play as they do, make a heap of mess but have fun. Stoopidly I get left in charge of the kids while Monst and Helen head out for a bit. Big news though is that Helen is pregnant. Boo (this is Helen's Boo, Elaine not your Boo, unless he moonlights as a Sailor and lives on the Isle of Man while your not looking!) is worried about finance apparently but is coming round to the idea slowly. We offer our ongratulations although for me it'll mean a return to the loft to fetch the stuff we lent her last time that has returned here since. Also reminds me I should call Tracy, haven't spoken to her in a little while (and feel guilty about it). I just feed the kids a heap of South African export marshmallows.... hyper kids time... hee, hee, hee, just in time for the mothers to arrive.

Camera, Lights, Inaction

So the webcam experiment is a success with images of our kitchen having been taken and deposited on a stupid site hastily built to be complely ignored by anyone but me. The cricket has been a good listen as I've been muttering at it. Fwink proves to be a stunner of a program. Simple to install, simple to operate. Plus it should get through the Minions of Doom's kill all useful internet access Nonsense. Monst been busy trying to suss out digital cameras. She saw a couple of beauts in action while we were away and is now dissatisfied with her current model. A case of camera envy I guess. Result is not a hope of me getting near Flickr which is definitely subject to a Minions of Doom ban. Bit of bad news on the Liberty 3 front, there is an issue with Data Conversion that will result in us having a later install than planned. What it is I dunno? Need to chat to Gregor but the pair of us have been away. Speak to him Monday.

Last Leave Day

The Insurance Man comes a knockin' as I'm knocking up Pancakes for Cal, a bacon and egg sarnie for Monst and we're all due to take our Malerone (3 days to go). Monst has some free additional life insurance making her worth a cool quarter mill. dead. Lucky fo him he missed the swearing at webcams. David Stewart in his infinite wisdome at accrediation suggested a webcam for the library move. Yesterday I picked up a couple of cheap devices (no microphone on either because I suspect the move will be a sweary one) from Argos. Today I got round to hooking one up. Trawl for some opensource software and happen across Fwink so need to play with that later. So be warned much swearing round ours then. Plan for the day is that Helen is round tonight for food. Poor soul doesn't realise there are 300 prints from the South Africa trip for her to view. We sorted that at Speke last night. Some good, some poor, will upload to Flickr sometime later today or tomorrow. At some point we need to finish the washing that began yesterday and generally tidy up.

Home

Washing machine goes on and Monst catches up with some kip. What a relief .....

Lime Street Station

More armed plod, an odd sniffer dog. Blokey returning from the gulf hasn't slept for three days. Jump a cab. Black cabs in Liverpool don't do any knowledge and you can tell. Confuse the driver with our destination. Much muttering between cabbies about the English Rose which is close but no cigar.

Runcorn

Never makes sense.

Train I ride, sixteen coaches long

Strike a blow for the class struggle by using the bog in First Class - take that you capitalist swine! Got to say you don't get a better class of toilet for your extra sheckels.

Train is full of proto-bloggers writing journals in little hardback A5 notebooks. Kind of cool. England is looking exceptionally green compared with Africa although fields of brown crops are vaguely African.

Euston full of armed police, stories that the government is recognising the stupidity of many of its claims for I'd cards. More pleasing is the number of people heading to the test match, which I intend to relax in front of while catching up with the washing we left at home and the few bits we have from the last couple of days in South Africa. Monst and Cal have a date with bed.

Dawns on me we've returned from Winter to Summer which is freaky. Seasonal dislocation.... Odd.

Nuneaton hoves into view. Rugby, Crewe and Runcorn beckon before home.

Euston Station

We jump the 8.18 to Lime Street, an earlier train than we'd booked which can't be bad. Means we should be home 10'ish. Sent off to fetch cookies for Cal, juice for Monst and coffee for me. Another Malerone breakfast beckons. Deep joy. Snatch a table seat and Cal and Monst settle infront of a DVD.

Feel hot, sticky and travel worn. Not helped by the knowledge the boiler is on the blink and we have ten days before the new boiler is fixed. Boiling the kettle will have a whole new meaning round us.

Coffee is nice and welcoming. Time to hit my book.

Paddington - 'Please Look After this Bear, Thankyou'

Flight back home and I manage to grab a couple of hours kip. Highlight was it gave me a chance to watch 'The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy'. Suppose predictably the thing between Arthur and Trillian was beefed up.

Jump a cab between Paddington and Euston with a Fulham fan, so that'll be him and Mat Seligman then!

Heathrow Airport

Catch the bags at the carousel and as ever I wanna ride on the thing. We land at 6.10 and are on the Heathrow Express by 7.00. Come on Heathrow, what's wrong with you? This is efficient. Best sign for people at arrivals 'Ken and Barbie', can't be real, can it?

Next stop Paddington in 15 minutes time.

Jo'burg Airport

Abiding memory: queues! That and I use the Blackberry past the don't use phones here sign..... What a rebel!

Monst buys perfume.

Durban International

Trip through the luggage check in, kindly sorted through to Heathrow. Provide the usual cheap thrill to the security bloke as he gets to frisk me for walking through a security gate and bleeping. What would be nice is the choice of who frisks you. You could have a panel of 8 and take your choice. Be a bit of a calculated choice, do you go for the geezer with the long arms and big hands who'll be done quick or the geezer that couldn't give a toss and won't frisk you properly. Not even going down the route of thinking of other options, you can do that yourself. Not much to do this side of the gate but the airport is clean and small. Easy size to handle.

Another hour and a half before we fly. Defensive drink then, a hot choc for me, strawberry milkshake for Cal (is he turning into Alberto Frog?) and tea for Monst. She also indulges in caramel cake and because Cal changes his mind I benefit from to slabs of the moistest choc cake I've had in ages. All this at Pannarottis (www.pannarottis.co.za). Monst goes in search of a book and I coninue to read Saul David's 'Zulu: the Heroism and Tragedy of the Zulu War of 1879' in an effort to redress the balance in my lack of South African history. Cal meanwhile hits his Gameboy.

Blog a little to reduce my boredom. Manage to get to half an hour before the flight before I'm really climbing the walls. Aaaargh, I hate airports.

Last Day of Holiday

So we are all packed, many of the people we've spent time with go on to Cape Town but we're heading off on a boat to see Dolphins. At least that's what we've been told. Monst in a spiteful mood, less than convinced things have been set up by Marius. Fuming because she arranged stuff yesterday. If she's right we could have had breakfast with the others and said a gentle farewell. Nice people. She's found a blokey to ask and is all smiles so maybe things are better than she suspects. Things are OK.

A grey day weather wise. Turns out Captain Bob has lived in the UK down in of all places Henley and Goring. Spooky local connections spark off. He apologises for late arrival, suggests we join his 9.00 am trip and feeds us a coffee in the Umhlanga Rocks Surf Lifesaving Club (www.lifesaving.co.za/kzn_central.htm). Nice and rough and ready very much a local community feel and the smells emanating from the kitchen make us all hungry, even Cal.

Trip on the boat is best decribed as bumpy and wet. Cal loved it as a rollercoaster ride. The dolphins are though conspicuous in their absence. Still wild animals can be awkward that way. Monst confesses to feeling seasick once on dry land. I am soaked. I also have half the beach in my shoes.

Back to the apartment and drag the bags down to Chris'. The place looks like a bomb's hit it. Make Monst a cup of char, me coffee, Cal has rice crispies. Then I wash up. Takes all of five minutes but clearly too much effort for Marius. Learn today Solly's side is the Kaizer Chiefs. Tempted to threaten him with the music but restrain myself.

Back to the Spur for lunch. Cal plays with the playstations as we idle time away. Monst due to have a Sirloin and chicken kebab combo, while I plan on having a Monkey Gland Burger. Assured that it involves neither Monkey's or Glands!

Return having met Victoria and Jackie and leave for the airport at 1.45. So beware the 'describe an hour spent at an airport exam question' may be used later to stave off boredom my end.

Tips Not PG

Monst goes into bat for Solly and gets his tip raised to 30 quid. Not much to us but his monthly take home is about 200 quid so I guess it falls into usual tip percentage. Glad he's had something because he's a nice fella. Not seen much of him round the flat since Mrs. Solly arrived (repeatedly had to tell Cal to leave them be).

Last dinner tonight. Reached that end of holiday feeling, don't neccisarily want it to either stop or continue. It's been more fun than I expected, even the beach bit. Still one more night and most of tomorrow to go. Then the bit I stupidly dread, the trip home. Journey out I enjoy, travel around is fun, return journey I want a teleport. How stoopid is that?

Guano Rush

Kick off the day at 5.00. Expecting Marius to let us know if we're hitting the boat to visit the sharks nets and see the Dolphins. Plan was he'd let us know at 6.00 but it was all a little hazy. By 7.00 Monst is out and sorts a provisonal book herself. 7.30 breakfst and we learn Marius has sort it for tomorrow. Monst far from impressed. Not happy at all.

Kick off the formal day at the Sharks Board (www.whattodo.co.za/sharksboard/). Never been to a public dissection before. Post an introductory film that's what we get. Some poor unfortunate Scalloped Hammerhead Shark is cut open for us. It is suprisingly interesting, Cal and Monst though avoid it. 18th Century entertainment I guess. Role of the Sharks Board is to protect tourists and admirably they aim to develop shark friendly routes to this. An interesting place to visit.

Next stop uShaka Marine World (www.ushakamarineworld.co.za/) in Durban. Blue Planet (www.blueplanetaquarium.com/) in a ship. We avoid the dolphin show. Grab a pizza. I catch up on Ken's blog (www.kenclare.blogspot.com) think positive vibes in that direction. Lose Cal and my swimming gubbins plan a retrieval later. Panic about it as we eat pizza. Discover it at the milkshake shop when we return for ice cream. The African Penguins get a visit and introduce me to the concept of guano rush. Now I knew guano had been a valuable commodity pre-nitrogen fixing for explosives but a rush for bird shit?

Down the beach in Durban, Cal plays the Goon ('He's fallen in the water') with Niccy. Luckily we have spare clothes with us. Solly picks us up with Mrs. Solly in tow.

Banking for Neds

If only Nedbank (www.nedbank.co.za/) would open a branch in Glasgow. Makes me realise there must be a Scallybank somewhere.

Last night at dinner the suggestion that Celtic and Rangers fans could start a new trend with batique Celtic Strips and Pointellist Rangers kits fits in nicely. They could pay with ned cheques.

The Rocks

Spent yesterday morning on the beach. Cal's original plan was to use the pool in the complex we're in but having made me jump in twice he decided it was too cold. So off to the beach and Indian Ocean we trekked. Hardly a problem because we're in a beach front complex. For my labours I get buried in the sand by Callum, we dig a hole (dunno why?) And jump the waves together. The girls come down to play too and Cal has lots of fun. Eventually when he has blue lips we drag him away, much to his disgust.

We head up to the post office so I can buy stamps. Mooch round the shops up that way. Pick up postcards to write and go for lunch. We go for a chinese, mainly because Monst and Cal want to.

Head back to the complex for four because we're off to the Gateway the largest shopping mall in the Southern Hemisphere. Big, wows! It's like being in Manchester. I buy a book on the Zulu Wars. Cal and I have a milkshake together and Cal plays the puggies. Monst buys Cal a Spiderman toy and herself an outfit which involves (dramatic pause, shock fx) a skirt. Not my sort of place.

Evening meal is taken at Dros Steakhouse. Cal enjoyed the room with playstations. Food was OK. Not good Guinness but I shipped a couple of pints. Home, read, bed. Day done.

Bexhill-on-South Africa

Wake late at 7.00 and unusually beaten to it by Monst. I'm on holiday so my tolerance levels of doing nothing are at their lowest. I have postcards to post, we need some tea bags and sugar for Monst.

I wander off along the sea front, having ascertained that Monst also wants me to find out about dolphin watching. Along the way I am overtaken by senile delinquents out power walking and save for the couple of younger joggers I develop the notion that this place may be a bit of an open cast cemetry like Bexhill. This is confirmed as I move inland in search of a post box and I come across the 'Umhlanga Dog and Cat Parlour, Tel: 561 4555' if you need their services. Not quite pensioner discounts on funeral services but along those lines. However there is evidence that runs against this, the place is described as South Africa's Acapulco. I'm not certain I know what the reputation of Acapulco is beyond featuring in that moment of Phil Collins nonsense 'Buster', so maybe it is like Mexico's Bexhill!

Find the post office inland from the ski boat launch site and a small Pick'n'Pay a supermarket. Purchase a small quantity of tea and sugar (Monst can't cope without the latter). As a result I introduce myself to Huley a Sugar Bowl knows a lot about sugar and who reveals them in full along with his advenures on larger packets of Hullets Sugar (www.huletts.co.za). On the small pack I have the bastard is being remarkably tight lipped and the nearest to an adventure he'll have is a journey to the bottom of the bin.

Monst has been chatting to Solly while I've been out and told him he should consider himself part of the family. Learns a bit about the culture over here. No bad thing, I think she's shocked.

Umhlanger

We arrive at last, get the key for 402, dump our stuff and just as we are about to head out Marius knocks on the door to ask if Solly our driver can bunk in with us. No bother, he's a nice bloke, with a nice sense of humour on him. We head out for scran at a seafood restaurant, the Ocean Basket. Cal walks with Solly. Monst and I have some misgivings because we're not fish lovers. I kick off with garlic mussels, we both have kingclip and Cal has chips. Cal suprises us both by demanding fish from Monst. Nice meal. Back from it Monst sorts laundry for the morning because we've learnt we can have our stuff laundered and ironed for around a fiver. Too easy an option not to take I'm afraid.

Caroline got stung by a blue button which apparently are prevelent at high tide. Luckily we avoided them on the beach earlier.

Flat we're in has ocean views, in fact our bed has an ocean view to wake up to. Nice, very nice.

Down at the Kraal

Late up, a 6.30 dash to the shower block sees me start the day clean all ready for a new coating of the red dust of Africa.

Coffee, meusli (Spars best, Spar are big out here) and we send Cal out of the way to the climbing frame as we strike camp. The monkeys are mighty loud this morning yelling at each other 'Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough' and replying to each other, 'You and who's army, pal?'.

Load the van and we're off. Stop for fuel at Mkuze the town. Marius away to the bank so we hit the Wimpy. Mocha for me, coke and tea for Cal and Monst respectively. Lest there cholesterol levels have reduced via exposure to fresh air they load up with chips and a bacon and egg toastie. I get sent to buy crisps from the petrol station shop as we wait. And then we wait. And just for a bit of variety we wait some more. Write yesterdays postcards to Margaret and Mattie, Monst's Aunts. Read a little to fill in time.

Next stop VulaZulu (www.thanda.com/practical_info/press13.asp) a cultural village with around 50 Zulu impi. Much dance, explanations of Zulu culture. A little dismay when we were asked to approach the village in single file, men at the front women at the back. Seperated when we sat down, reasoning is that Zulu geezers should protect their women. Visited the hut of dreams, the bonecasting witch doctor who explained he was an amateur and not a professional (preumably not registered with the witch doctors equivilent of the GMC). Then on to the womens house, where we had a song sung to us bu around 6 women. Zulu store house, the mens house and the chiefs hut. All topped off by around half an hours energetic dancing. Perhaps a little Disney but interesting never the less. Lunch there, a formal setting for a buffet lunch to remind us what civilization was about. All introduced by the campest South African we've met yet. Still what else could he be with a Dutch father who came to South Africa anda French mother who came over with the circus it cried out for him to become a ballet dancer. However hats off to the geezer, he's enthusiastic about what he does, went into exile when called up (no place for ballet shoes in that man's army) and has come back to South Africa to put something back. Cracking beer with lunch too, what more could you want (a Zulu shield according to Callum).

Back on the road heading for Umshlanga which is Durban way. This is the beach bit of the holiday. Around me in the van people do their thing. I blog and review the photo's. Cal plays with his Gameboy and Monst kips. I'll reach for my book in a bit. Need to write today's postcards in a bit.