Orlando Bound

Deep joy... Can't get the help mail off to the old fella.

Journal of Airport Librarianship II

Wake, ablute, pack (well Monst packs to be strictly accurate), breakfast and wait on the bus to the airport. Bus arrives and we pile on and wend a weaving route via Quality Inns picking up on the way to Sanford. Deep joy.

Like the notion of the Ihop restaurants 'Ooh la la Frenc Toast Festival' which I guess is a festival of French Toast. There seems to be an inverse proportion thing going on with signs advertising the shops, the smaller the shop the bigger the shop. Sort of BCSD but BSSS instead.

Discover that Arsenal had a lucky draw in the first derby of the season. Not a glorious season thus far but this time they seem to be on a flyer in Europe which is pretty amazing.

Looks like the wending route has gone awry, the driver forgot a hotel. Result stressed Monst and fellow passengers. Me I let it flow over me, why worry until we get to the airport. Cuts down the waiting time there. Except it doesn't there is a tech hitch with the plane so it is in London, we're in Orlando now waiting on a bus to take us to International Drive to a Sheraton for the night. Deep joy, e-mail people at work to warn them. I'm already sick of other travellers tales.

A Disney Cynic Writes

There are three sides to the Disney coin, the adult fantasy of a childrens fantasy land where fun is king and nothing bad happens. The childrens fantasy is similar with the exception that it an opportunity to exploit pester power to obtain all those mouse related items that the rapidly forming consumer is told by Disney that they desire. All of which is powered by the sugar filled drinks, sweets etc that are speed for kids. Then there is the inevitable darkside of tears as parents lose their rags with their little darlings for employing the pester power that Disney intructs them to use.

OK there are things to admire, nice customer focus, very good with the kids, we caught a couple of buses that hadn't planned on going where we were going until they asked where we wanted to go. Transportation in general is smooth, easy to catch and simple to understand. The food has been good along with the service. Plus for all the cynical stuff Cal and Monst genuinly enjoy it which is nice to see.

Boo!

Last full day of Disney for tomorrow we travel. Big finale is Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party, kind of misses the point of All Souls Eve. Should be scary to remind you of mortality, but this is Disney and all is nice in the world. Yeah, right!

Still pleasant breakfast and Cal butters up the staff of the Restaurant. Chat to them and turns out that Disneyworld India may be happening. Just what they need! Cal wishes to play mini golf today so we bus it to Downtown Disney and then onwards after a light bit of shopping from Monst. I sit in the sun and relax.

The Minions of Doom have once more been at work so I'm now blocked off from Highbury related news during the day by Blackberry. This actually seems reasonable during work time but the source the Independent worries me. Will I be back to papers blocked. Another call to Graham Grand Imperial Wizard of Doom may beckon. Once again Nonsense is a source of ire.... Less because of what it blocks, more because of what it represents, the inane censorship of cyberspace without regard for user need.

Yesterday a day sans Blackberry, mainly because I'm hacked off with the M. people. Mentally having the conversation where I point out to them the realities of the stuff I've got them, which I shouldn't have but have obtained via unorthodox routes. It takes time and relies on goodwill and no matter how much they stamp their collective feet it will make no difference in terms of delivery time.

Mini golf is a success. We play a Fantasia based course (the Gardens Course of the Fantasia Gardens) and the competition within the family is strong. Callum proclaims himself the winner with a score of 75 on the basis he scored highest (logical but golf has inverse logic at its core) translates as a +20, Monst pulls off a creditable 47 which translates as a -6 and will please her inner jockishness, but to my relief I score a 45 -8 and come out on top. This is important because pre-game Monst was taunting me with my loss in Devon and Cornwall. Cal is getting better and in places hitting the ball much more effectively. We promise him a putter so he can practice when we get home. Really the whole thing translates as a relaxing morning in preparation for a big night. Head back to Downtown Disney for Some lunch and transfer back to Port Orleans for a lazy pool orientated afternoon. Then to dinner and thence to the non-scary Halloween Party.

Lunch is provided by the Earl of Sandwich and I hope they drop the Earl some wonga for using his name. I hit Le Frenchy a concoction of ham, brie and dijonais while Monst has a chicken salad. Cal takes pickings from the pair of us. Monst nips to a toyshop while I keep the boy distracted, it ain't difficult.

Back at the room and pool time for Cal and myself as Monst has a doze. To be honest I could have done with a kip myself.

The Halloween party is cool, kids in costumes, some parents too. Much bigger thing over here of course. Parade kicks off with the headless horseman riding down the street. Video things for Monst. Find a spot to video the fireworks as the folks go in search of sweets. Fireworks are very good, impressive use of explosives. Monst and Cal return dragging a sack of sweets behind them and we get the second coming of the parade. Stand gassing to a geezer from Pittsburgh who has a weird (to my UK public sector wired brain) way of chatting, I don't really want to know he calculates he's worth half a million, I really don't want to know he left his first wife because she refused to let him touch her, all too personal for my liking.

Return home with a comedian of a bus driver. Funny, informative and kept a packed bus entertained. Kinda impressed.

Ugly

Day starts with an old fashioned read with a long soak in a bath designed for dwarves as the rest of the family sleep, followed by a further doze from me.

Then the day goes wrong. Barbara Clough contacts me about NHS complaints procedures and I'm 4222 miles from my paperwork, have blackberry only and nothing else, I've sent them what I have and generally I'm pissed off with the enquiry team. Not impressed. Send a help mail to the Fade crew....

So the plan for the day is digest breakfast. Go for a bit of pool time, then to the Animal Kingdom to visit the bits we missed on our last visit. We book a table at the Rainforest Cafe for dinner. It's while I'm in a queue for this the shit above hits.

Still the swim is nice, the Blackberry needs a recharge and I leave it behind for the day. Animal kingdom is nice again and we visit Dinoland USA that we didn't get to the other day. Cal enjoys and we relax. See Tarzan Rocks in poodle perm metal fashion. It's Disney, it's bland, it's well staged. Highlight for me is the 3D 'It's Tough to be a Bug'.

Dinner at the Rainforest Cafe and we have a table booked. Monst makes me laugh when she say's this offers a more authentic experience than being sat at the bar. In a place that is all artifice this is to be frank a bizarre statement but I know where she's coming from it is a better dining experience. More relaxed and Cal eats well as a result. We relax and the food is good. Result is following shrimps, ribs and steak I'm stuffed. Service throughout has been informal, friendly, with plenty of time for Cal and good.

Evening and I get sent to Downtown Disney to echange a Tinkerbell Denim Jacket that Monst bought for Ashleigh. It's a real hardship going for a drink at Raglan Road (akthough the same folk singer is singing the same set so you can sing along to the 'Fields of Athenry' if you want) and visiting the Virgin where I pick up the remastered 'English Settlement', 'Th Black Sea' from XTC and something by the Dropkick Murphy's who were OK when I saw them support the Pistols. I also pick up a copy of Christopher Moore's 'Island of the Sequined Love Nun' partly because it had a line recommending it as silly from Carl Hiassen and partly because I couldn't resist the title. This will come as no suprise to any faders.

Tragic Magic

Away we go to the Magic Kingdom for the day. We also have the delights of a character dinner, which roughly translates as a bunch of moth eaten rugs that resemble cartoon characters in 3D and that hype up kids already sugared up into a frenzy.

Arrive, go through the usual crap rummage through the bags that passes for security everywhere. Head off to Stitch's Great Escape unfortunately it spooks Cal, mind you it ain't often you get an alien belching at you. Still the fact he gets to drive me on the Speedway pleases him, me I hate his steering which is erratic to say the least. He then drags Monst for a drive after phoning Kitty while I head to Space Mountain. A minor thrill for me then.

Lunch at a noodle bar and then off character hunting. I've got to say I don't see the point but Monst and Cal seem to enjoy it.

Waiting on a parade with my back to a lampost and I get a Disney Character singing 'I'm leaning on a lampost at the corner of the street' etc. This is the last thing I expect, some old girl muttering George Formby at me.

Off for a character meal, pestered by Chip and Dale, Mickey, Minnie (the flooze), Donald and Goofy. Meal was OK Cal loved it and showed all the characters his magic trick which consisted of him hiding his autograph book under a napkin and then me hiding it under the table for his grand reveal. Stoopid but he enjoyed it.

Back to the Magic Kingdom for another parade, aching feet and fireworks. Monst loved it.

Lights, Camera, Action

MGM Studios park today. Dash in early and scoot to the backlot tour on arrival. Lots of Herbie but Monst declares the Paris version better. Breakfast and chill and plan the day.

Al's Toy Barn provides photo op's with Buzz and Jessie. Sure Monst gets a bigger kick out of it than Cal. However the Power Rangers with their brand of cock rock TV does excite Callum. Leaves me cold but then I think it's bollocks without the humour of cock rock. Plus it comes with the poodle perm metal blaring and I could live without it right now.

Off to see the stunt show which we've been to in Paris but is new here. Cal enjoys it, Monst seems to enjoy it, to be honest, I've seen it and can live without it.

Back to the Power Rangers to get the signatures of the Blue and White Ranger and Pink Ranger for the complete set. Monst wishes to see 'Beauty and the Beast' as a show, I duck off and visit the Tower of Terror instead. Fascinated that you enter it via the library and its fun with its Twighlight Zone theme. Terror maybe not but how are you gonna market the Tower of Marginal Suprise.

Meet the folks and go for lunch at Buzz Lightyear's Pizza Planet. Pleasant pre-Rock'n'Roller Coaster preparation as Monst and Cal pick a spot to watch the parade. Coaster is fun. Don't do the Aerosmith thing but some of the vague memorabilia is interesting. Posters are mainly 60s West Coast Psychedelic and interest me more than anything else.

Weather post-Wilma is nice, sunny and crisp Autumn weather if we were home. Watch the parade and as instructed get snap happy. Follow that up with the Indiana Jones Stunt Show. Cal finds any punch thrown hilarious. Bizarre!

The number of people in mouse based apparell round here makes me wonder about the whole cartoon business. Why did a rodent based character who you wouldn't want in your pantry take off? Why not Simon Stoat, Willy Weasel or even good old Hissing Sid (who was innocent, honest!)? Shan and I agree that Wiley Cayote is the true hero of Roadrunner and that the bird deserves a bloody good kicking. Come to the conclusion I vote with the baddies. Far better characters. Darth Vader or Luke Skywalker, which would rather drink with? Bet Darth knows more jokes and can sing dreadful folk songs full of double entendre after shipping a few pints. Luke on the other hand would probably deliver a lecture on the evils of alcohol while drinking a small sweet sherry.

Evening we head to Downtown Disney and visit Captain Jacks for scran. Monst is shocked it ain't the upmarket chippy she was expecting. Still she enjoys the meal and plans an evening of shopping for trinkets etc. She allows me to peel off to the Virgin Megastore. True to form I come away with something from home, the Solarflares 'That was then... And so is this'. I've learnt over the years that if I see anything of Graham Day's to buy it then and there because I'm not likely to see it again for years. Add to this what sounds like a freaky read in Larry Kirwin's 'Liverpool Fantasy' which works on the premise the Beatles split in '62 John is on the dole (son Julian has joined the National Front), George is a Jesuit recovering from a nervous breakdown, Ringo lives off an entrepreneurial hairdresser wife and Paul became a world famous Las Vegas entertainer. Couldn't resist that set of chaos... Plus the words black comedy... (aka life).

More importantly gives me a chance to counter the cutesy Disney as I shove the most socially realistic stuff I have on the notpod into my ears and the 90's bile of Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine and their bitter humour recues me from a fate too cute.

Head to the Raglan Road Irish Dining, Pub and Music Rooms. Here I'm instructed by a barman to let a pint of Guinness to settle before drinking it. I'd be black affronted if I didn't find it so laughable. From the look of the fella I was supping the stuff before he was out of short pants. The pour is OK thoug

Hurricane #1

So things get going around 1.00, I make a panic booking for 7.50 for tonights scran at the Boatbuilder's Dining Hall as news filters through things are opening up and the rain stops. Plan is to head to Epcot and grab lunch there. Zap over to the Magic Kingdom for a parade and providing I've kept my sanity by then a relaxing dinner washed down with something pleasant to drink. Monst changes the plan and the trip to the Magic Kingdom is cancelled.

The Wilma experience for us has been nicely underwhelming.

Meanwhile last night the freaky experience of the mundane in a foriegn place as I head to the laundrette for pleasant conversation with other laundrette refugees. They kindly made me feel at home by talking about the weather. Learning experience of the evening, shove trainers in a dryer they kick their way out.

Epcot and we visit China for lunch, Norway and Mexico for amusement and go on Maelstrom and River of Time. Cal laughed at the trolls on the former and I giggled at Disney's version of Vikings which was a tad cutesy and lacked any of the berserker tendancies normally ascribed to them. The Mexican thing was cutely 60s/70s and I swear Dickie Davies introduced the cliff diving. The marionettes are dreadful in their ability to make you want to shove yer fingers down the back of yer throat. Can't wait for Disney's take on the UK and a pub.

Currently waiting on the GM sponsored Test Track that strikes me as an oversized Scalextric. Monst drops out of the trip and the soundtrack must have been when Einstursende Neubaten sold out. Cal finds it kinda scary but then proclaims it awesome when its over. Strange kid.

Zap through some sciency let's flog our products (IBM) exhibitions. Cal quite enjoys them though and I fear we have a little drummer on our hands as he gets a robot to play drums.

Return to wandering around the planet. The Canada film is quite entrancing. We enjoy it, Monst for the scenery me for just how dated it is. Must be late 70s vintage. We also can't resist a trip to the Rose and Crown Pub in the zone meant to be England. Can't remember in my life any publican or bar staff wearing three quarter length pants and stockings. Partake of a pint of Guinness, Bass ain't my thing, Boddingtons I do disdain and Wife Beater I have to be in the mood for. I've had better pours but it was OK and a pint when I needed it. We continue our stroll round the lake and see the Beach Boys, Monst unimpressed, I thought they sounded quite tight even if they aren't my thing.

Back to the room, quick spruce up and out for scran. Excellent Jambalaya for me, ravioli for Monst and fish fingers for Cal. Monst makes me laugh when she orders the largely rum based Hurricane as a drink. Topical or what. Back to the room kip and get ready for tomorrow.

Dino's Mistress

Wilma day, and a piece of paper is shoved under the door letting us know most of the parks are shut, the Magic Kingdom and Epcot may open later depending on the weather. Fair enough. We grab some breakfast and come back to the room and just chill. The wind ain't too bad here but the rain is lashing down.

Can't get a link to GPRS to get thi out which can't be good.

Africa to Asia in 10 Minutes

Animal Kingdom, bus journey over sees us pass a column of 10 disaster relief ambulances. We chat with the bus driver about the threat of Wilma. He is reassuringly unphased by the whole thing. Nice fella indeed the bus drivers have been universally helpful.

Arrive, sort ourselves out and head to see the Lion King show, well choreographed, staged and responsible for me muttering along to the 'Lion Sleeps Tonight'. Oh, well it had to happen I guess. Cal enjoys it, enraptured by the tumbling monkeys. I'm amazed by the bright smiles that are presumably plastered on with the slap.

Then into Africa for a quick pre-lunch safari. Fascinated by the fact that though easier to see than in the wild, the nature of this safari is such that the animals are harder to photo. In South Africa you see an animal, you stop, take the photos you want and then move off. Disney's version keeps you moving to ensure capacity. By far a better experience is gained by the Pangani Forest Exploration Trail. We get to see wonderful lowland gorillas. Monst thoroughly enjoys it as a post-prandial stroll. Then it's a short train ride (with Cal getting the job of calling out 'All aboard') to Rafiki's Planet Watch a conservation gaff that Cal likes.

Over to Asia and Cal and I sample the Kali River Rapids and get damp. Cal insisits we sample it a couple of additional times, during which he becomes adept at picking which seat will enable us to get the wettest. This is a skill that later comes to haunt us. Monst wants to watch the parade, so we settle down in a vantage point and while I marvel at the construction of some of the floats, the characters that get Cal and Monst going leave me cold.

Post parade and Cal drags Monst on the Kali River Rapids and succeds in getting us all soaked. We follow this up with a wander round the Maharahjah Jungle Trek. It has bats which is good for me and Tigers which are good for Monst. An enjoyable trip.

Homeward bound we stop at the Rainforest Cafe for food. A cracking meal and Cal makes his debut as a bar fly. Another Spike, 'That's my boy' moment. Cracking meal, feel stuffed. Now hotel bound and due a change of clothes, bath and relax. Need to check out the latest on Wilma. Part of me just sees Fred Flinstone every time I mention or think about it. Must be an age thing.

N 28o 23.259' W 081o

Head is screwed by time differences. Brain tells me it's time to be up and about, the watch tells me it's 4.30. Feel like I've had a huge lie in because the blackberry tells me it is 9.30. Only thing for it is to try and unwind for a bit and have an extra long lie in....

Meanwhile slug-a-beds Monst and Cal take this as normal...

Surface again at 12.00 as Monst wakes up. Been crawling the walls bored out my tree. Looks like Wilma will miss us but it'll be a touch wet and breezy. Deep joy.

Finally checkout where we are, 4222 miles from Liverpool's Pierhead.

So onto another day of people enraptured by the sincerity of the Disney money making machine. On the plus side I do get a day of watching Cal enjoy himself.